From Birthday Cake Sprinkles to a Feeding Tube

A story about how God turns the bitter into sweet

Photo by Cristina Marin on Unsplash

A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet. Proverbs 27:7

It’s Time to Celebrate

It was the night before a surgical biopsy would reveal a cancerous tumor in the base of my tongue, and I was in the kitchen baking. I was baking a loaf of Birthday Cake bread (recipe here) which is my girls’ favorite breakfast treat. I decided to have a slice before I went to bed since I knew I’d be fasting in the morning for surgery. When I looked down at the slice of bread on my plate, I looked at the sprinkles and I heard the Lord speak to my heart, “It’s time to celebrate. You’re going to get better.”

I knew the biopsy was coming, and I was hoping it would bring some answers as to why my mouth was in so much pain and why the ulceration on my tongue wouldn’t heal. I hadn’t been able to chew on the right side of my mouth for a year. And I’d been in a lot of pain while trying to eat for several months at this point. So when I heard this, I was encouraged and also curious about how it would unfold.

The next day we would hear about the cancerous tumor in the base of my tongue, which was a shock. I was expecting a different diagnosis to be honest. But in the midst of my shock, I remembered what the Lord had spoken to me the night before. It was encouraging and brought me security to know that the Lord sees the end from the beginning. And even though a cancer diagnosis can be scary, He was reassuring me that this path would eventually lead to me feeling better on the other side.

As I’m standing on the precipice of beginning treatment in just a few days— 7 weeks of concurrent chemo and radiation— I’m clinging to that word. I can celebrate my healing in advance and have hope for the process because He said so. Sometimes the encouragement comes ahead of the trial because the Lord knows we will need it in the days to come.

A Feeding Tube?!

A few weeks after the diagnosis, I found myself meeting with the radiation oncologist and being absolutely shocked about what the radiation treatment would entail. I’d have to do radiation treatments 5 days a week for 7 weeks. There could be a handful of serious, lifelong side effects. I’d need speech therapy to help with swallowing and talking, along with physical therapy to help strengthen the muscles involved. Because of the pain to the mouth and throat, I’d likely need IV fluids a few times a week. And I would need around 4 weeks after treatment to rehabilitate before I would feel normal again.

But worst of all, they recommended I have a feeding tube inserted into my stomach. They said they have all of their oral cancer patients have the tube placed ahead of time, before they need it. Over the course of treatment, it can become too painful to eat and drink. In addition, the side effects of chemo and radiation can affect appetite along with how food tastes. The doctor explained that many patients lose 20 pounds or more during treatment, and it’s important not to lose too much weight because I’ll need my strength to heal and rehabilitate afterward.

I was very upset at this prospect. I’m familiar with feeding tubes. As a pediatric nurse, I had patients with them. These patients usually had some type of neurological difficulties that prevented them from eating. And often they probably weren’t even aware they were being fed through a tube. That was my limited exposure to this. I was having such a hard time coming to terms with this for myself. It’s such a loss of bodily autonomy, and I felt like it would be humiliating. It just felt wrong to place a feeding tube into an otherwise healthy body that still has vitality.

What would my kids think? Will it scare them? How can I hide a feeding tube under summer clothes and swimsuits? Will people stare at me when they see lumps under my clothing? Placing a feeding tube means I have to have another surgery. What will the scarring be like on my body once it’s removed?

The thought of a feeding tube bothered me for a lot of reasons. I could not believe that treating oral cancer is so intense that it involves the loss of being able to eat. I never realized how much I took for granted the gift that it is to be able to use my mouth to eat. Many of us eat multiple times a day without even thinking of it as a privilege. We have no idea how fortunate we are until the prospect of it being hindered comes up, like it did for me.

I was also concerned about the type of formula I’d need to use. I’m a nutritional therapist, and I know the ingredients in many brands are not very nourishing. I was concerned about whether there were any healthy alternatives and how hard I would have to fight for those alternatives.

It took me weeks and lots of crying to accept that receiving at least part of my nutrition through a feeding tube was going to have to be part of my cancer treatment plan. How was this a part of “celebrating and getting better” like the Lord had told me few weeks earlier?! Honestly, it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

A Hungry Soul

Proverbs 27:7 describes one of the paradoxes of life, “A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” In essence, when life is going well and we have everything we need or want, we tend to be so satisfied that it’s easy to slip into apathy when it comes to our spiritual walk. In contrast, when times are tough, we become desperate and hungry for the presence and the hand of God in our lives.

While I don’t believe God authors suffering, I do believe He will use it for His purposes. And one of the gifts I’ve found in suffering is the ability to experience a closeness with the Lord that you almost cannot experience under any other context. And I think the reason why has to do with this verse. When we suffer, our soul becomes hungry.

Having been through seasons of intense suffering in the past, when I received the cancer diagnosis, I already knew what to do first. In the past, I learned while suffering to begin looking for ways God was showing up in my story. The day we found out the news, I was immediately chronicling the ways God had already been speaking to me (like the night before the biopsy with the birthday cake).

I have learned that having a hungry soul for the presence of God, and however He wants to move in my life, becomes a lifeline during suffering. I can’t control whether or not I receive a spontaneous miracle healing as an evidence of His hand working in my life. I’m believing for one that can happen at any moment. AND as long as I’m walking this road of suffering, I’ll also seek His face.

I’m watching for how He is speaking through His word and many other ways. I’m paying attention for the little ways He shows me that He’s ten steps ahead of me on this journey. Whether it’s a Scripture, a line in a song, or an encouraging word from a friend, I’m experiencing His presence in my situation daily. A hungry soul seeks His face, and not just His hand. A hungry soul is looking for ways to connect with His heart, and not just to benefit from what He does. Even the bitter parts of suffering become sweet when they are touched by His loving kindness.

Liquid Hope

The day after I found out I needed a feeding tube for treatment, I had been sharing with friends about the news. They were just as shocked as I was! Before I knew it, the dietician was calling. And I was just NOT ready for this to be my reality.

I started researching tube feeding formulas, and I felt so relieved that I cried when I found one with ingredients that meet my normal standard of nourishment. The formula is called Liquid Hope, and it’s made from whole foods. I was so happy to find this. For the last 18 months, I’ve worked very hard to build muscle and improve my insulin sensitivity— weightlifting 3-4 times a week, walking 8,000 steps a day, eating over 100 grams of protein a day and more. I have spent way too much time and effort on my health to then resort to a formula with sugar as one of the main ingredients. Finding Liquid Hope felt like such a gift from God, and now I had to figure out how to get ahold of it since it’s not the standard.

For a variety of reasons, when you’re in a complex medical situation, you as the patient become your own best advocate. It’s a LOT of work. I’m so fortunate to have my nursing background to help me. I knew I’d need to advocate for myself with the dietician about why I wanted this specific formula. Sure in the grand scheme of things, you could argue that the type of formula used isn’t that important. I’ll only be using it for about three months. But the type of formula mattered to me.

When I got on the phone with the dietician, I explained my health history, the changes I’d made to improve my health in the last 18 months and why a formula high in protein, made of whole foods and with little sugar was important to me. I also shared that I’m a nurse and nutritional therapist. I told her I found one I wanted to use and asked if she’d be willing to help me figure out how much to order, etc. She was SO kind. She immediately looked up Liquid Hope, and she’d seen it before! She explained the similar options they usually use, but she acknowledged that Liquid Hope really is the best in terms of ingredients. She said it even contains several plant ingredients that are key for fighting cancer. How encouraging!

I was already so blessed that she was supportive, but even more so when we started to discuss logistics. I thought I would have to do all the legwork to source and approve the formula with insurance or maybe even just pay for it out of pocket, if it wasn’t covered. But the dietician had compassion on me as a mom of young kids, and she said she would do whatever she could to support me, help me and make this process easier for me. She helped me choose from Liquid Hope’s products, and we found a high protein one. She also let me have a say in how she calculated my daily macronutrient requirements. Within a day, she had already sourced the formula, gathered the required doctor’s orders and submitted the information to insurance for review.

When the Bitter Became Sweet

Thanks to a supportive and compassionate dietician, I had to do almost no work to get ahold of the formula I’d chosen. In medical spaces, this is often not the norm. Usually you have to fight for what’s important to you. I really felt like this situation was a reflection of God’s heart for me. He knew this was important to me. He saw what mattered and took the burden off of me. I felt so loved by God. And this bitter situation began turning sweet.

In addition, as I processed what the dietician shared about the ingredients, I realized that the Liquid Hope was actually more nourishing than what I can manage with my mouth in the state that it’s in. Because of the pain, I’ve become malnourished these last few months. I’m unable to consume enough calories and enough variety of foods, especially a variety of vegetables. The reality sank in that the Liquid Hope is actually a blessing. I’ll be able to fill in my nutritional gaps with it while I’m undergoing treatment, during a time when nutrition matters so much. I will still eat what I’m able to during treatment, but the rest of my nutritional needs will be covered. That takes a lot of pressure off of me. I began to see how God as a loving Father wants the very best for me, and that includes proper nourishment to help me heal, even if it came in a form (tube feeding) I wouldn’t have chosen at first.

So what started out as bitter (the prospect of tube feeding) became sweet when wrapped in the Lord’s goodness and kindness. The fact that my soul is hungry is what gave me eyes to see His kindness in this. How easily we miss the little ways He is working in our lives unless we are crying out to Him for help and intentionally looking for them!

To be honest, I’m still not excited about needing a feeding tube. It’s a lot to take care of, and I still haven’t figured out how I will dress this summer to work around it. But with perspective, I am able to see how God wants to use this for my good. Trusting that He is working for my good is the only way to navigate suffering with hope. And isn’t it such a sweet detail that the circumstance He used to make the bitter become sweet in this story carries the message of “hope” in its name? Liquid Hope- that sounds like a great way to receive extra nourishment during treatment.

If you’re experiencing the bitterness of suffering or prayers that have yet to be answered, then my prayer is that this story would bring courage to your heart. Allow your soul to become hungry for God— for His presence and His ways— to seek His face and not just His hand. I pray that the eyes of your heart would be open to seeing how He wants to work in your life to turn the bitter into sweet, even if it looks completely different than you’d choose for yourself. In sharing my testimony of His goodness, I believe that if He will show me His kindness in suffering, He wants to do the same for you!

Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

And for those who’ve asked, if you’d like to support me and my family during this journey through treatment, you can find out more about our practical needs here: Support for Stefanie.